Why is Life so Hard?

“Why is life so hard?” I typed into Google this morning. I got a few interesting results, but regardless, the point was more about why I wanted to know the answer to that question. It’s not a hard one to answer, there’s answer’s aplenty out there, oodles to choose from, and one as good as another.

Perhaps that’s the problem though, because there are so many answers. Our society respects the legitimacy offered by the ‘one true answer’ (kind of like the one true god, Moses anyone? Or should I say Cylons?). Yet here we have a question that has a multitude of answers, human answers; A humanist’s proverbial orgy.

Do I need to find only one answer to that question? Is it important enough to ask again and again to find that answer? Does it even exist? Why am I not content with the answers I have? Perhaps a better question for that is why am I not content with the life I have? Even with all the crap I’ve been through, I do have a pretty good life. I have a reliable job (though a bit shaky at the moment, that will pass), a good living arrangement, great co-workers, a g/f, fierce intelligence, lots of capability, etc etc. What is it that’s not being satisfied by my current life?

I dream of graduate school, it consumes much of my spare thinking process. When I’m not focused on work or school or other crap that comes up in my life, it’s about graduate school. I peruse the websites for the schools I’m applying to and swoon, it feels wonderful to think of it. Lots of hard, intellectually demanding work with nothing to get in the way aside from what I put there. Nothing easy about it, I’ll need to do grunt work too, probably even more menial stuff than I do nowadays in some cases. Plus the hassles of still living a life in graduate school (I.E. dealing with possibly moving every year, eating enough, finding time to sleep, etc.). I’m looking forward to this.

What is it about this more demanding, less appreciated, less financially rewarding life is it that inspires me? I suppose it’s not about me when it comes down to it. That life gives me the chance to really do something to help a world full of people. My schooling ms my advocacy training. The end result will be me, but as a formidably powerful advocate for polyamorists.

Is that selflessness? Is that what it means to be selfless, to be so driven, so inspired, so motivated, not by a lifestyle, not by money (a master’s has a better $ return ratio), not by comfort, or anything else that would benefit me. I’m giving up the comfortable life here to pursue this. Is that selflessness? To give up one’s life in the service of others, willingly and gladly?

I wonder then, would selfishness be to give up one’s life for self interest, or to give up nothing to the service of others? Which occupies selfishness? Strange to define a concept so alien to me. It’s like jealousy. I can’t understand it. Both selfishness and jealousy make logical rational sense, but I don’t feel them, I’m not drawn to them, there’s nothing there to compel me to be either.

I guess, though, I’ve strayed from my original question. Why is life so hard?

Maybe it’s because I believe it is. But then again maybe, it’s because of all the other reasons, as well.

No absolutes with my thinking today (-: