In my previous writing I discovered that justice can include compensation, instead of just retribution. In knowing this, the edge of my emotional sledgehammer is dulled, a bit. Yet justice is still strong in me. It will accept compensation for what has happened, but not promises of future compensation. The justice I hold inside exists as a swift mechanism, it does not brook delay, as that adds to suffering and increases the level of compensation required to offset the injustice.
So I look now at an assessment of what I have lost, and what I have gained, through this situation. Perhaps somewhere in all of this I can provide justice with *something*, even if badly insufficient, to compensate for the injustice here.
In a physical sense, I have lost my wife and my daughter. I lost the image of the life I had, and my plans for the future. I have lost the opportunity to be a father and parent. The emotional toll has been excruciating as well. I lost trust in another human being, the emotional connection I have with my ex is now tainted so badly that I have to restrain myself from vomiting whenever I feel it. I lost a sense of purpose and direction; I lost a degree of self-respect. I lost dignity, despite how little I value my own dignity I still lost a great deal of it. I lost, oh how I lost, financially. I have a long-term financial restraint put on me for the next 17 years, indenturing me to my ex for that time. I lost a great sense of myself.
What have I gained since? I have learned new methods of finding the love and compassion around me. I have a sense of community with fellow men, who have suffered through these things along with me. I have a girlfriend who admires the strength and resilience that I have. I have purpose, vision, a goal, a drive, and something to take pride in.
It’s not enough to satisfy justice. As I realized in my previous writing, justice includes acknowledgement; a larger sense that an injustice has occurred; a degree of validation by a higher power. No validation has been received yet, and justice struggles with this. I can see myself as morally upstanding through this experience, yet that is not enough for justice. I can acknowledge what I have gained within myself, yet that is not enough. I can understand that this experience has grown me, improved me, refined me and bettered me, but justice still does not relent.
It occurs to me that what justice is seeking is compassion. Not a compassion of words, but compassion of action; exampled by myself through my own choices, of risking myself for others because of compassion; compassion in actions. Much like the knight, I have risked myself, in action, to elate others, and when I am knocked down I am given words to rebuild myself on, justice tells me. Justice, by far, values actions over words.
So then, what compensation will satisfy justice? Compassionate action in compensation for the injustice I have experienced. What would that look like? Unfortunately my speculation is limited to wanting things that are far too much to ask of anyone: Financial support, emotional and physical intimacy, encouragement towards my future. It’s a tremendous burden to ask of someone, to effectively carry me to the point where I can stand on my own two feet, and what I’ve lost here seems negligible. Asking for this feels sickening.
Yet, justice wants what it wants. Justice is open to other ideas, but the rest of me is incapable of providing an answer for justice that is satisfactory. I suppose now it’s a matter of continuing to search within myself for acceptable compensation for what has happened.
I suppose it’s a matter of wait-and-see. Do I have faith enough in all things that this injustice will be rectified? I truly do not know; having no specific divine entity that I can pray to, ask for guidance, forgiveness, or understanding, makes it hard. There is all things, and in a way, that is my idea of the divine. As it stands, I must put my faith in all things and believe that I am seen and heard, and treated with compassion.
I hope that is enough for justice.
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