Justice

I am a divorced father.

Like many divorced fathers my experience of divorce was emotionally traumatic and financially straining. Every father going through a divorce has a most challenging part of the process, and mine was accepting that my wife did not have my interests at heart.

I made many foolish decisions because I believed that she did, I didn’t contest the divorce, I didn’t hire an attorney. I trusted her, despite having my heart broken and my daughter taken from me. My commitment to the goodness of humanity is so powerful as to overwhelm my ability to make intelligent decisions.

The result is that my wife had a strong position in the divorce. I received little, and I gave much. Ironically this paralleled our marriage. In many ways I am now in indentured service to my wife for 18 years.

The true depth of my tragedy is not just in how my good will and charity were so badly misused and exploited; it is found in the system that allowed for my charity and good will to be exploited. In many ways I personified the ideal father and husband, even through divorce. I was compassionate and caring, I was respectful and accommodating, I was understanding. I took the hard road of maintaining my civility and respect through the process, despite the circumstances and emotional pain I felt.

My heart screams injustice: I was abandoned unilaterally. I was told that I wasn’t worth the effort. I had my daughter taken from me. And later on, I had my daughter used as a weapon against me. Yet the outside world tells me that I must be punished in the name of justice. This is a painful contrast for me to hold. In addition to the personal burden of the betrayal I suffered I am now indentured to the source of that suffering.

I have acted in the best ways that society has told me, and now society is telling me that I must pay a price for being noble, virtuous and compassionate. This is the system we today call justice. Is this truly just? If I cannot receive justice, if other men cannot receive justice, just so women can receive it, is this truly justice?

I will not shift the responsibility of my wife’s decisions and behavior away from her. She is responsible for what she has done. She alone will have to live with the pain, suffering, and injustice she has caused me. The system, however, will have to live with the responsibility of allowing her to be that injust, to me and many other men.

As a divorced father, society has asked us to take a terrible burden. Society has asked us to give up our right to justice so that women can have theirs. Is it just to be forced to staying in a relationship that you don’t want to be in? No. Is it just to indenture that person to you to get out of that relationship? No. Our society doesn’t allow for these injustices to both be addressed simultaneously. And through these injustices shapes the mold of what it is today to be a divorced father.

I am a divorced father.